How to Choose After Speed Dating: A Psychological Perspective

So, your speed dating session has come to an end, and now you're left with three categories of people you met: “Definitely Yes,” “Maybe,” and “No.” The first group is easy—you’ve already circled their names on your sheet. But what about those in the “Maybe” category? How do you decide if they’re worth pursuing further?

This article is for anyone navigating the tricky world of post-speed-dating decisions, though some insights might resonate more with women, as studies show men often take a more relaxed approach—many of their “maybes” end up as “yeses.”

You’ve probably heard the classic theories:

• People choose partners based on financial stability.
• Subconsciously, we gravitate towards partners who resemble parental figures.
• Attraction is often influenced by pheromones and smell.

There’s even a famous experiment conducted by British scientists where women selected men’s T-shirts based purely on smell. A month later, those same women unknowingly picked T-shirts belonging to the men whose scent they’d liked previously.

While there may be truth in these theories, attraction can’t be boiled down to just one factor. Real-life relationships are far more complex and nuanced than these studies suggest.

So, how do you decide? Psychologists suggest that when you meet someone, your brain evaluates a wide range of characteristics—appearance, personality, values, shared interests, even tone of voice.

Each factor carries a different weight depending on your personal preferences. For instance, you might prioritise a sense of humour over ambition or value kindness above physical attractiveness. Your brain essentially runs a calculation behind the scenes, tallying up a “score” for each person.

If someone’s score aligns with yours—or is higher—you’re more likely to feel drawn to them. If there’s a large imbalance in those scores (e.g., you’re more into them than they’re into you), the connection might feel one-sided or difficult to sustain.

When two people’s scores are similar, that’s where the magic happens—it’s a sign that a mutually satisfying connection could develop.

Before your next speed dating session, take some time to define the top three (or more!) qualities you’re looking for in a partner. These could include:

• Shared values (e.g., prioritising family)
• Emotional traits (e.g., optimism)
• Interpersonal skills (e.g., sense of humour)

During your mini-dates, mentally tick off whether the person demonstrates those traits.

If someone ticks most of your boxes, move them to your “Yes” list without hesitation. If they don’t, it might be time to let them go.

It’s okay to feel uncertain about someone in your “Maybe” category. Sometimes, a deeper connection can develop after a second conversation. Other times, your gut feeling tells you everything you need to know.

If you’re still unsure, ask yourself these questions:

• Did I feel comfortable during the conversation?
• Did they show genuine interest in what I had to say?
• Are there traits I’d like to explore further on another date?

If the answers are mostly positive, consider giving them a chance. If not, trust your instincts—it’s better to focus on connections that excite you.

How do you decide whether to pursue someone after speed dating? Do you rely on specific traits, intuition, or something else entirely? Share your top three “must-have” qualities in a partner—or your most memorable speed dating experience—in the comments below! 😊